LETTING GO OF EXPECTATION
I want to share a bit of thinking with you, that I’ve been mulling over in my mind recently. I keep trying to explain it and it just isn’t coming out right - so I’m writing it down instead because I don’t know about you, but getting things out of my head and onto paper (or onto a screen) has always helped me to make sense of them.
I’ve been thinking about expectations. Good expectations, bad expectations. The way that we dream about some things, the way it should be; the way we hope it will be, and the way we fear some things; the way it might be. I’ve been thinking a lot about the pressure expectation puts on us, the stress it causes, and how that can contribute to Burnout.
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When I was a kid, growing up, I was scared of everything. I know now that this is called ‘having anxiety’ but I didn’t know that back then. I would escape into my little dream world where I could handle all the scary things, and I would build up this imagined version of myself who was the person who could handle all of that. I set these expectations of myself, that I had to be this person in order to be happy.
As life continued, as a teenager and a young adult it veered into the way I looked. If I looked a certain way, was thin enough, strong enough, toned enough - I had to be THAT person to be happy.
At work, I had to be successful, busy, capable, maybe a bit scary.
All these expectations of the person that I had to be, in order to be enough.
On a less existential level, just in daily life - we have this expectation that if we have the new iPhone we’ll be happy. If we can fit in that dress. If we get the bigger house, the higher salary, the romantic partner, the great haircut.
Expectation is just another pressure on us. And we’re not putting it on ourselves necessarily; there’s a whole world constructed around us that creates that pressure (I used to work in marketing and PR, I know this for a fact!).
As kids we’re told we can be anything we want to be, we can do anything we want to do, and a lot of the time that means that we have to be something exceptional. We have to do something amazing. Because what we are, right now, isn’t enough. We’re going to grow up and when we do we better not waste the chances we get.
I had an expectation that if I failed, if I gave up, that I would have to give up all of my dreams and return ‘home’. I had an expectation that that was the worst possible outcome. The failure scenario. Even at the point that I packed up my flat and left London ‘temporarily’ at the start of lockdown I was rationalising to myself that I wasn’t giving up, I was just taking a break, and I would be coming back to my amazing, impressive, exciting life.
At some point over the course of my Burnout Recovery, I learned about Radical Self Compassion. At some point, I decided to try taking the pressure off myself. I decided to forget about failure, and just let myself be for a little while.
I struggled with expectations in the back of my mind; when am I going to write that book? What if I don’t get a zillion Instagram followers doing this Burnout thing? But I kept practicing being less of a dick to myself and carried on.
I got really good at noticing the pressure I was putting on myself through expectation. But I also started noticing something else. I’ve really only just clocked onto it quite recently.
There have been moments where I have no expectations. Where I’ve stopped thinking. When my mind hasn’t immediately run off into an anxiety flow of what ifs, and I’ve just been there in the moment. None of those moments have been spectacular or exciting. They’ve been out on a walk with my dog. They’ve been up to my elbows in clay in a pottery class, or dirt in the garden. They’ve been sat on the couch with my parents watching Richard Osman’s House of Games and playing Answer Smash, or watching my Nan get a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she recalls a story to me from her youth. These are just SIMPLE, completely unremarkable moments, but they are moments with no pressure, no expectation of anything. They’re just pure contentment. SIMPLE happiness.
And I’ve found myself getting a little bit addicted to these moments. In a good way, I think. Sometimes I’m just there like, this what it’s all about? Is it actually just about THIS?
A part of me - the part of me that still lingers on the edges of my old life - is horrified at that prospect. Another part of me is so relieved. And another part of me just sits back and smiles at the two of them, thinking - you guys have no idea.
If I can encourage you to try something, even just for a moment, it would be to just LET GO of all of those expectations. Not forever. Just for a second. If you can. And if you can’t - this is where it gets a bit mind boggling, ask yourself this. Can you not let go, because you have expectations of what it looks like to let go? If this is you and you’re struggling, take a different approach. Catch yourself in one of those moments, because now I’ve pointed them out I bet you’ll have them. The little thrill you get at your first sip of coffee. The morning sun on your face when you step outside. The sound of laughter. They can catch you off guard, these simple moments.
And the rest of the time, start paying attention. Start noticing those expectations in action.
Notice when you’re rushing about because you have an expectation of how the day will go if you don’t get everything done exactly right and exactly on time.
Notice when you’re sucking your stomach in or flipping through those filters.
Notice how much value you’re putting on the good opinion of someone else.
Notice when you’re doing something that doesn’t feel good for you, because you think you have to do it.
There isn’t much more to this post than this. I don’t want to pretend like I have this all exactly right - I’m figuring things out as I go - but that’s kind of my point. Life after Burnout is a constant flow of figuring out what’s right for you. It’s going to keep working, if you keep doing the work.
I don’t spend every moment of my day just zen and blissed out on present moment happiness. I spend plenty of my time in my own head, struggling with anxiety, worrying about what other people think, replaying things from my past over and over in my mind.
The difference I think is that once upon a time, I never would have been here for the good moments. I think about moments that should have been good, that look good on paper. I think about hiking along the coast in Sydney, or up to the Hollywood sign. I think about Broadway shows, movie premieres, awards shows, big hair and fabulous dresses. I think about the way that I felt inside, on the very deepest level in all of those moments, and I think about how I feel inside walking past a garden full of tulips with my dog, and it is worlds apart. There’s an edge, a pressure, an expectation to those memories that just isn’t there now.
It’s not to say that either experience is greater than the other. Objectively, standing on a beach in Australia looking out at the beautiful ocean is a more visually stimulating experience than standing on the beach at Skegness. But it’s not about the experience, it’s about the connection between that INNER you and the moment.
Phew.
Well, I don’t know what this post was. Maybe it’s relatable, maybe it’s nonsense. I have no expectations! I’ll just put it out into the world and see.
In the meantime, if what you’re looking for is actual practical help, and not just existential rambling, then let’s chat. Believe me, I know that if you are stuck in Burnout RIGHT NOW, some girl telling you to just sit and enjoy the present moment is not helpful AT ALL.
If you’re stuck in Burnout, head to my podcast and listen back to some of my early episodes, especially Burnout SOS (which you can find below), if you are Burning Out right now and you need help.
And of course, you can book your free 30 minute consultation call, with no obligation, no bullshit, and we can chat about your stress and Burnout and get you on the right track.
Until next time, look after yourselves and make time for the moments if you can.
Mx
