How to set (& stick to) boundaries

Let’s talk about boundaries; how to set them, and how to stick to them.

The most important thing about heading into this is that you have to learn how to value your time. If you don’t have any boundaries with yourself, you’re going to have a hard time setting them with anyone else!

We are not put on this earth to work and work and work... and then die. What is the point of that? We’re put on this earth to live. So remind yourself of that fact, regularly. And let’s start setting some boundaries to make sure this happens.

Step One; identify your stressor.

What is the thing that is causing you stress, the thing that’s weighing on your brain, keeping you up at night? What - or who - is it?

Maybe you’re stressed because you feel like you are stuck on your phone or on your email in the evenings. You can’t get away from work, you can’t get a break. Maybe you have an absolute nightmare boss who won’t leave you alone, or international clients who don’t pay much attention to time zones and office hours.

Maybe you’re stressed because of social pressures. After almost two years in Lockdown, you’ve forgotten how to function in society. Everyone wants you to come out for dinner or down the pub, or come to a big old’ super spreader birthday party, or just to hang out. Your calendar is filling up with people you haven’t seen for ages, and you do want to see them, but it’s too much too quickly and you’re not ready for it yet.

Maybe you’re stressed because it’s the summer holidays, and suddenly your kids are back at home even though it feels like they only just went back to school after months of home schooling. Your work is picking up, your social responsibilities are picking up, you have kids wanting attention and work needing seeing too and laundry to do and a husband who isn’t pulling his weight and - argh! (You get the picture)

Whatever the stressor, identify it. Write it down. And now let’s move on to the next step.

Step Two: Figure out what you would like your life to look like instead.

Here’s a nice journal prompt. Imagine you can wave a magic wand and make everything perfect. What does that look like?

If your stressor is work in the evenings, you wave a magic wand and magically… don’t work in the evenings. You have time to rest, and relax, and restore yourself ready for the next day when you are actually supposed to work, within actual working hours.

If your stressor is social pressures, you wave a magic wand and magically… people stop calling. You see a couple of people each week, maybe even just one person each week. The rest of the time you get to rest, and relax, and restore yourself. 

If your stressor is the summer holidays/kids/family/having to do everything, you wave a magic wand and magically… um, do the kids disappear? Maybe it’s time to yourself, maybe someone does all the cooking or the cleaning for you, maybe it’s a door that closes and stays shut so you can actually get shit done. 

These magic wand solutions have just been plucked from my imagination, mind you. Let your own creativity flow here. Dare to dream! What would you like your life to look like instead? There’s no magical solution too dramatic for this part of the process - I’m not actually going to tell you to give your kids up for adoption, don’t worry.

Next!

Step Three. Instigate a small, but significant, change, to get you a step closer to your magic wand reality.

Stop being on your phone or email all evening by setting a time in the evening to put your phone away. Switch it off, put it in a drawer, put an out of office on stating what time you’ll be available the next day, if you like. Ease yourself in; if you’re usually emailing until midnight, maybe put it down at 9PM. Over time, bring that time earlier. Enjoy a couple of hours away from the screens, and do something that gives your brain a break. Go for a walk! Listen to a podcast or an audiobook (not about work). Spend time with a friend or family member. Go to a Yoga class. The possibilities are endless, and they are key to giving your mind the chance to switch itself off and on again.

Notice the response to this boundary once you’ve set it. Anyone who grumbles about you setting a boundary like this is someone who was benefiting from you not having that boundary in the first place! Value your time.

Manage your social commitments by managing your calendar. Decide in advance how much time and energy you can give to other people, and stick to it. Decide to accept one or two invites per week, and alongside that schedule in time for rest and restoration. Use a calendar or a planner, write that commitment down in ink. If someone asks you to do something on a ‘free’ evening, remember, you’re not free! You’re booked in for rest time. You’ve got a date with your couch, or your yoga mat, or your favourite local park, or your bed! Value your rest time.

This third example is the trickiest for me because there’s so many layers! Use that in your approach. Recognise where you have to put a boundary in, perhaps with your kids (closed doors mean quiet time/work time, screen time  etc) or with your work. Recognise when your partner is your stressor - and when their lack of support is actually your stressor! Ask for support where you need it, communicate, and set boundaries that give you the time you need for yourself. Value your time, separate from the time you spend caring/providing for others.

It’s not just about setting the boundary, is it? It’s about sticking to it too.

So, when setting and sticking to boundaries, remember to Review, Reflect and Reward… regularly!

Review the boundaries you’re setting as often as you can. What are they? Why did you set them? Are they working? Are people respecting them? Do you feel better now you have them? What else needs to change?

Reflect on the answers to the above questions. If your boundary isn’t being respected, who is not respecting it? How can you address this? Be a badass about this, your time is worth a lot. If a boundary isn’t working, why isn’t it working? If it isn’t strong enough, how can you make it stronger? If it is working, how do you feel? Could you feel even better by making that boundary even stronger, or adding a new one?

Reward yourself for setting and sticking to boundaries! Celebrate your wins, no matter how small.

Repeat the above process regularly!

If you struggle with accountability, support is so vital. Get a buddy to help keep you on track (or a coach!) and reap the benefits of a boundary-ful life.

Do you struggle with setting and sticking to boundaries? If this is an area you need help with, make sure you’re in my Facebook Group and signed up to my mailing list. I’ll be sharing more content on setting and sticking to boundaries in the coming weeks.

And if you need that support and accountability right now, don’t hesitate to book in with me for a free consultation. We can talk about boundaries and stressors and everything in between! And see if any of my coaching options could be beneficial to you.

Mx