BURNOUT PREVENTION: HOW TO SAY NO

This post is also a podcast! Listen via the Player or search for Your Supernova Moment wherever you get your podcasts.

A much requested topic; let’s look at how to say NO.

I get asked about this a lot. And what I want to explore today isn’t so much about the words, it’s about the stuff behind that. We can all google ‘how to say no’ and what comes up are a tonne of articles and blogs about ways to say no, politely. Examples come up like; ‘I’m sorry but I have something else on’, ‘I don’t have the bandwidth to take this on right now’, ‘now isn’t a good time for me’, that sort of thing. And sure, this kind of stuff is helpful. If you really struggle to say no to things, if you can’t simply say ‘NO’, or perhaps ‘NO THANK YOU’, then deflection or a previously prepared excuse is your next best option.

But let’s look underneath that, because I don’t think the problem that the people who ask me this question are struggling with is the wording. I think it’s the inclination. The motivation.

In all these examples, and most of the time, you’re looking for a reason to say no. You’re looking for something else that’s keeping your busy, you’re looking for another person, commitment, responsibility or project that is valid enough to justify you turning something down.

How about just the fact that you want to rest? How about the fact that you want to take your time over making your dinner this evening and you don’t want to be rushing or grabbing take out on the way to something else? How about the fact that you want to take a bath, or watch TV, or read a book? How about the fact that you want to be able to take a coffee break, or a walk in the park, during your work day and not be flat out from 9 until 5? These are ALL perfectly justified reasons to say no. But a lot of the time, our own downtime, rest time, self-care time - this is something we don’t deem important enough to be the reason we’re saying no.

Of course, you might be using these excuses because the person you want to say no to is difficult, and they actually DON’T deem your downtime important. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t, that just means they’re an arsehole.

Today, I want to give you permission to be unavailable.

You don’t NEED an excuse, or a reason. You can just say no. 

You get asked to join a meeting, when you’ve already got three meetings in your day and you’re trying to set that boundary with yourself and your calendar? ‘I’m afraid I’m not available to meet today, perhaps we could schedule a meeting for tomorrow. I’m available between 2 and 4.’

Get asked to pick something up on your day off? ‘I’m not available today, I’ll pick this up when I’m back in the office on Monday’

Here’s the thing. Everyone comes to me and says that they are terrible at saying no. But they aren’t at all, they ARE saying no. They’re saying no all the time. So are you!

Every time you say yes to another project, another person’s workload, another late night in the office - you’re saying no. Your body is begging you for rest and you’re saying NO. Your heart and soul are asking for peace and you’re saying NO. Your mind is asking for quiet and you’re saying NO.

You are saying no all the damn time, you’re just saying it to the wrong person.

The first thing I need you to do if you’re a person who struggles to say no to the outside world is recognise that you’re absolutely okay with saying no to yourself.

What is that about?

It’s going to feel unnatural as hell, but this is what you need to practice. You need to flip the script and practice saying YES to yourself, and no to everything else. 

The next thing that you need to do is get your head around this concept:

You don’t have to be BUSY, to be unavailable. You can just BE unavailable.

Your downtime doesn’t need an excuse, it’s your time and you don’t need to pretend you don’t need it. Instead of coming up with all these excuses, go in with boundaries clear from the beginning. When someone asks you to do something outside of your hours, to stay late, to take something home with you - don’t ask yourself if you’re busy. Not being busy isn’t a reason to say yes to overworking. You’re allowed to say no, and you don’t have to give a reason.

Honestly, I want us to keep this as SIMPLE as possible. When we’re dealing with the kind of stressors that put us on this path toward Burnout, we need to keep things simple.

How do you say no? You say NO.

I’m not available.

You can soften it a bit if you like, ‘I’m afraid I’m not available.’

You can add an alternative suggestion. ‘I’m not available at this time, but I’m available at this other time.’

You don’t owe your work, colleagues, bosses, an actual explanation of WHY you’re not available. If they ask, well depending on the context that might be a sign of a pretty toxic work environment if they’re demanding to know what you’re doing with your time. But let’s give the benefit of the doubt and assume they’re just innocently interested and want to make conversation, you can say you have personal commitments. This is the ultimate truth, because you do. You have a commitment to yourself. And you do not have to apologise for it!

If it’s friends or family that you’re saying no to, this is perhaps a bit harder, and you can decide how much additional context you want to include, but again you can do it. I’m not available. It’s just a fact!

Let’s start training the people around us to respect our boundaries. If you say you’re not available, you’re not available. And practice doing WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO with that time, without guilt that you said no to something else. Your time is valuable and you’re allowed to use it for you.

This is a tough cookie to crack in reality. There’s a whole lot going on here. We’re almost programmed to believe that we’re not worthy or valid or whatever, if we’re not busy. If we’re not working, or travelling, or cleaning, or organising. We want our social media feeds to be constantly fantastic, our diary to be full, our weekends exciting, our LinkedIn profile just SO engaging and when we actually ever do take a moment to just sit and take a breath, we feel so guilty that we’re not producing.

So here’s the big challenge. Take a minute to stop and think about the things you’re saying yes to, and in turn, the things you’re saying no to.

Take some time to think about what’s on your list that you feel like you should be saying no to, that you WANT to say no to, but you feel like you can’t.

Recognise if saying YES to those things is actually saying NO to yourself. Most likely it is.

See if you can try just one little ‘switcheroo’ this week. If you’re saying no to rest and yes to overworking and staying late, switch that around. Just once! When that ask comes in to work late, you are not available. A lot of the time it’s not actually an ask, is it? It’s an assumption, an unspoken understanding that you will work late. So don’t. Try it just the once. If you’re questioned on it? You aren’t available to work late this evening. You’ve got a personal commitment. And take that time to do the thing that you WANT. See how it feels. And if it feels weird and pointless and a waste of time that you could have spent working - or doing whatever the thing that you’re burning out from is - then realise that this is a sign that something is seriously out of balance. If you feel guilty for resting - for ‘doing nothing’ - remind yourself that RESTING is doing something.

And if you don’t want rest and you actually want to go and see friends or go to the cinema or go for a walk or spend the evening in your garden, GO FOR IT. This is your time. Your personal commitment to you.

So get out there and say NO to Burnout - by saying YES to yourself.

Mx