In a consultation call last week, I was asked an interesting question. One that was simple to answer at first, but then the more I thought about it, the more complex it got and it led to some real introspection and reflection on the matter! So I thought I’d share it with you.

The person on the other end of the line was right in the fiery depths of their own Burnout, right on the verge of their Supernova Moment. They’d taken a massive leap, walked away from the life they had known, and they were panicking. They knew they were burned out and exhausted, but they’d acted without a plan and as a result they were struggling; mentally, emotionally, financially; all the ways that I’d been right back at the beginning, only I’d been incredibly lucky to have been quickly connected to the support system that got me on track to recovery. 

The question they asked was this; did I have any regrets about the decision I made, to leave everything behind and start again? Because they were regretting a lot of things, and they couldn’t make sense of it. They’d heard my story, and wanted my perspective.

Do I have any regrets about making my Burnout my Supernova Moment and leaving my whole life behind?

My gut response was; no. I didn’t regret it, my decision to leave was absolutely the best thing for my physical and mental health, my heart and soul. 

And I stand by that answer. Looking at the big picture, I don’t regret anything. I made the decision I needed to, and I’m happy now. I wasn’t happy then, and I am now, so that has got to be better, right?

But as I let the question settle, and let myself be honest with myself, the answer became a little more multi-faceted. 

There are things that I miss, for sure. I miss travelling (don’t we all, right now?) and I miss the friends I have overseas, who I was able to see so often thanks to all the travel I had to do for my job.

I miss the feeling of being a part of something, the thrill of being IN THE ROOM, the sense of accomplishment after opening a show or smashing an on sale or watching an audience light up on a first preview. I miss the buzz all that gave me.

A friend and former colleague said to me some time last year; ‘It wasn’t all bad though, was it? We had some good times.’ And we did. We had some amazing adventures and did incredible things. But those were just moments. Often, they were just ideas of moments. Most of the time they were distractions from the reality of everything else that was happening all around.

The good moments don’t cancel out the bad. And the bad moments were really, really bad for me. Even if I didn’t realise that they were at the time, the evidence has been plain to see through the twists and turns of my recovery. But as time goes on, I do find myself forgetting that sometimes. I find myself making excuses, rewriting history in my head, sometimes even listening to the rhetoric that I used to tell myself and questioning my own reality even though I’ve had a tonne of therapy and coaching, and I’ve meditated for hours and filled about three full sized journals processing everything that happened.

I have a list now, that I come back to. It’s just a little list, less than ten points long, but it’s all the reasons I left my old life behind. It’s real and raw and unforgettable, but I wrote it down anyway, because I want to make sure I remember. I want to remember all that came before, so that I can continue to appreciate where I am now, and where I’m going to be next, whatever that road may look like and however challenging it may become. 

I didn’t experience those pangs of regret for a long time. A big part of that was the fact that there really wasn’t anything to miss. My whole life before all this was theatre, and live entertainment, and a world of things that all shut down overnight the moment that COVID and Lockdown hit, which happened about three months after my Burnout. I’m sure there was a tonne of stuff happening ‘behind the scenes’, but the few times that I had any contact with anyone from that world I had some pretty strong boundaries in place, and I really did not want to know what was going on, so the conversation rarely strayed too close to it all. I didn’t want the triggers, I didn’t want the stress.

But now, everything is back. And while I may have unfollowed all the social media accounts and blocked a few odd keywords and phrases from my social media (again, to avoid the ol’ trigger potential - boundaries are sexy, remember!) I still have the people. The people I actually want to stay in touch with, the people I actually like and care about what they’re doing. And those people are starting to work on awesome projects, and bringing things into the public eye that I know they’ve been working on for years. Job titles are changing and people are being promoted, and people are making big moves to big companies that were once on the horizon of my five year plan.

I know there are more moments coming up that are going to be unavoidable triggers and are going to hit me hard. I know things are going to happen that are going to hit me right in the heart and make me go; goddamnit, that could have been me.

But it isn’t me.

It wasn’t really ever me. 

It was just the person I thought I was supposed to be.

So do I have regrets?

Honestly? Sometimes. I thought I didn’t at first, but actually that was just an automatic defence response. A safety behaviour, as my CBT workbook would tell me. I work really hard now to be aware and accepting of all of the quirks of my mind and soul and sometimes, both of them like to take a trip down memory lane.

But they have the list, for when they get lost. And they also have this moment, right now. They have fresh air, and Didy, and Coffee Time, and coaching clients, and Yoga students, and walks in the woods for hours.

And they know that they are happy, now. 

I tell you this because I know a lot of the stuff I put out there about my own journey is very positive. I love my little dog and I show you his adorable face every day on Instagram whether you’re interested or not. I celebrate moments of joy and simplicity, because I want you to know that you can have those moments too. But I want to be honest about the reality of Burnout, Recovery and Supernova Moments. It’s not all sunshine and puppies - a balanced life has ups and downs!

Wherever you are in this wild adventure called life, I hope this story had something in it for you. 

Regret is human, but the best way to move past regret is to let yourself live.

Mx